::telling the story--part 6::

Our album "Love & Family" is ordered in such a way as to tell a story about our life together as a family.  This series of blog posts will serve as a catalyst for telling that story so that you can see what is behind each song that we wrote.  Don't forget--you can order our album here: http://williamandglennamarshall.bandcamp.com/

Part 1 found here. 
Part 2 found here.
Part 3 found here.
Part 4 found here.
Part 5 found here. 

"You are Good"
words & music by Glenna Marshall

I got a little distracted in telling the story of this album.  Mostly because of the song that was next on the list.  For some reason, I felt like I needed to be in a really "good" place in order to explain this song to you, whatever that means.  Not that I'm not in a "good" place, but.............well, this is just one of those songs that I have to remind myself to believe.  Not because God doesn't show Himself to be good a million times a day--He does--but because my finite, self-absorbed little brain struggles to believe it on a daily basis.  It's one of the reasons heaven looks so good.  I won't have to fight my flesh to believe the truth about God's character.  I'll see clearly.  So clearly.

I wrote "You are Good" in August of 2006.  It came very quickly, all at once, after a really difficult night in a women's study class at church.  A topic about children and family came up, and there were several differing opinions.  I was 25 years old at the time and so desperate for a baby that I couldn't see straight.  Also, I was leading the class.  (What was I thinking?!)
I shouldn't have been in charge of such a discussion...mostly I just sat back and let it happen. I was detached from the things being discussed because I was unable to even have a baby, let alone give an unbiased opinion about the topic at hand.  I was listening to all these comments about family size, children, and parenting...looking at it through infertile eyes, which definitely colored my reaction.  And I don't know.....the conversation struck something deep in me.  I just reached my limit. Something cracked wide open in front of all of these women, and I began sobbing uncontrollably.  I left the classroom and escaped to the ladies' room in the upstairs hallway of our church building.  I can't quite put into the words the bereft feeling in my soul.  Three years of waiting gushed out in a torrent of tears and desperation.
My journal explains:
     I sat on the cold tile floor and wept until I thought I had no more tears left in me.  I cried out to God over and over, "What do You require of me? How can I give this to You any more than I have already?"  I don't know what I expected--an audible voice? an angel? a vision?  Instead I sat there in the sounds of my own weeping, and kept surrendering myself to the Giver and Sustainer of Life. I still begged and pleaded with Him to give me a child.  I also embraced my grief, giving into my deep need to weep and wail.  I thought a lot of Hannah, not because I'm as devoted or as righteous as she, but because she prayed and wept in the temple until the priest thought she was drunk or crazy.  If anyone had walked in on me, they'd have had similar thoughts, no doubt.  
    I was so tired and spent...but there was just something about grieving that was really good for me.  A friend told me today that she thought embracing your grief was a sign of acceptance of the circumstances--and thus--acceptance of God's design of the situation: His sovereignty.
    In all of this, I realize that God is good and loving towards me.  I cling to that--it's the only thing that comforts me.  And it is the reason the song on the following page was born this week:

In the midst of my despair, when my sorrows seem to fare
Much better than my joy or delight
To Christ I must flee, whom have I but Thee,
My Love, my Strength, my Life?
In the hands of loving God who is sovereign over all,
Even the circumstance that never seems to change...

You are good in my broken places,
Where I cannot take it You are good
You are good when I turn away,
When my faith is changed You are good
You are good though I don't deserve a glimmer of hope
I can pass through any sorrow, knowing that the Father
Has not dealt what He has not declared to be good (for me)

I want to take my struggles and turn them into troubles
So light and so momentary
So give me the perspective of the Kingdom when I sorrow
Help me realize that You are in control
You are gentle with Your children, and Lord, You always seem
Only to wound so that we'll trust You to heal

You are good in my broken places,
Where I cannot take it You are good
You are good when I turn away,
When my faith is changed You are good
You are good though I don't deserve a glimmer of hope
I can pass through any sorrow, knowing that the Father
Has not dealt what He has not declared to be good (for me)

And this thing that You are doing is loving
And is moving me to trust like never before
So Lord please come and save us rescue us and heal us
By Your wounds we trust and are healed...heal us...

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Although the inspiration for this song was our infertility, I have sung it many times during varying circumstances that I was desperate to escape (but couldn't). I could list them all out for you--the ugly, the scary, the painful, the humiliating.  But it doesn't really matter what it was that we were living through, there is one solid fact that remained true no matter what we were facing in life: God is good.  He is always, always good.  Even when everything is dark, when everything seems to be against you, when you can't see past the current circumstances that seem to be choking the joy out of your life.
God is good. 
And He is good to us.
And He even uses painful circumstances to teach us that He is good.  That seems so counter-intuitive.  Pain to teach goodness?  But, He does.
And I think there are some Scriptural supports for it:
"...the Lord disciplines those He loves, as a Father the son He delights in." (Proverbs 3:12)

(and quoting that same passage:) "Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,  nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.'

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:3-11)

Sometimes, though, it may not be that the Lord is disciplining you.  Sometimes we just reap the fruits of living in a fallen, broken world.  But, as Paul tells us in Romans 8, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  

It's not that God is good "even though" our circumstances are bad.  He's good right in the middle of the messy brokenness of our sufferings.  He picks it all up, filters the suffering through His hands, and binds up the wounds He allowed us to bear.  

And (because I know you expect nothing less from me) I think that sometimes He does the wounding in order to teach us to trust Him.  Because we are stiff-necked people who refuse to believe the truth when all we can see are our magnified troubles.  It's not arbitrary.  It's loving, although that defies our human definition of love.

This is what I have learned to be true in my own life.  There are definitely things about God's character I never would have wrestled with had I not endured some of the hard days that inspired this song.  Had I never wrestled with them, I wonder if I would have come to the other side of it so firmly convinced that God is who He says He is, that He is unfailingly good, that He uses our "light and momentary troubles" to make us more like Jesus.  

Currently, I am reminding myself that God is good in the midst of my moments of despair, in the middle of circumstances that just won't budge.  He is good.  To you.  To me.  And He uses the waiting and the frustrating circumstances to renew our trust in Him.  
He doesn't waste a drop of our suffering.  


   

::telling the story--part 5::

Our album "Love & Family" is ordered in such a way as to tell a story about our life together as a family.  The next several blog posts will serve as a catalyst for telling that story so that you can see what is behind each song that we wrote.  Don't forget--you can order our album here: http://williamandglennamarshall.bandcamp.com/

Part 1 found here. 
Part 2 found here.
Part 3 found here.
Part 4 found here.


"All I Can Do"
words & music by William Marshall

I struggled with getting this song on the CD.  Part of the struggle was just getting it to sound like I want (I completely started over at one point because I did not like the sound).  The other part of my struggle was due to the content of the song.  If you have been reading this blog much (or Glenna's other blogs), then you have heard her talk about our wrestling with infertility.  She has done a great job writing about out battle in hopes of encouraging others, particularly other women.

A man's struggle with infertility is similar but different.  Like Glenna, I have wrestled with feelings of frustration and anger and heartache.  I have had questions and confusion.  I have battled with the fairness issue as well (often revealing my pride and arrogance).

But the thing I struggle with the most as a man is my inability to provide for my wife.  I don't mean this on a physical level (we both have our issues along those lines), but just the desire to give her what I know she longs for so much.  As a man and a husband, the Lord has made me to want to provide for my wife.  It is part of what makes me a man.  Yet, the hard lesson that infertility has taught me is that there are simply things that are beyond my control.  There are gifts that I cannot give.  Watching her hurt and knowing that I cannot 'fix it' is one of the most difficult tasks that I have ever faced.  It often made (and makes) me feel like half a man.

The crazy thing about this lesson is that it is not limited to just infertility.  As a man I want to provide all kinds of things for my wife that I cannot.  I want to guarantee that I will be healthy (at least as healthy as I can be with diabetes).  I want to assure her that Isaiah will never face difficulties.  I want her to go to sleep every night without worries for what tomorrow will bring.  But all of this (and so much more) is simply out of my hands.

So where can I turn?  As a man, where do I go to deal with these longings?  The only answer I have found is to flee to the Sovereign Lord.  He can and does give good gifts.  He is in control of the future.  He will provide everything that my wife needs for life and godliness.  In the hard moments, I have to trust that He will be what I cannot be.

I know these things, I believe such theological truths about my God, but my soul has a tendency to get overwhelmed.  I can often say with the psalmist: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?"  Parts of this song were written during these darker moments when I felt so helpless and weak.  What should we say to our souls in those moments?  The psalmist continues: "Hope in God; for I again shall praise him, my salvation and my God" (Psalm 42:5, 11, 43:5).  I must preach (and sing) these truths to my soul so that I will not forget.  When I have come to the end of all that I can do, I must cast my cares upon His sovereign goodness.

-William

 

::telling the story--part 4::

Our album "Love & Family" is ordered in such a way as to tell a story about our life together as a family.  The next several blog posts will serve as a catalyst for telling that story so that you can see what is behind each song that we wrote.  Don't forget--you can order our album here: http://williamandglennamarshall.bandcamp.com/

Part 1 found here. 
Part 2 found here.
Part 3 found here.

"Baby, It's Not Time"
words & music by Glenna Marshall

This story is a hard one to write.

Not because I have a hard time writing about infertility (clearly I don't).
But because this song comes from a really honest, hopeful place in my heart that almost got extinguished in our waiting to be parents.

I actually wrote this song when William & I were still living in Tennessee.  One day in April of 2004, we decided--Hey, let's have some kids! 
I distinctly remember telling a friend that we would hopefully have good news to share by October.  I thought I was being generous....giving us six months and all.  How long could it take, after all?

Turns out, it can take a real long time.

As month after month passed with no good news to share, my heart began to be filled with dread.  Several of my friends were expecting babies, a couple of them "on accident."  Before I knew it, my excitement about becoming pregnant someday turned into resentment that everyone else was having babies around me without the courtesy of waiting until I could get pregnant.  (I know.  It was ugly.)
My relationships with several close friends became strained as their bellies grew, and I faced negative test after negative test.  Looking back, almost a decade later, I have to say that these girls were absolutely patient and kind beyond belief.  I know I made our relationships difficult, and of all the things I struggled with during that time of my life, this is one of the most shameful of my memories.  I have been blessed with faithful friends who forgave freely and extended grace in hard moments.  Praise God for them.

I wrote "Baby, It's Not Time" during this time.  It was still early days, and there was still a lot of hope that we could get pregnant.  I remember sitting at the piano, bathed in sunlight from the windows at the back of our 80 year old house on West Grand, and the song just poured out of me.
I cried the entire time.
I could envision little feet learning to walk up and down the hallway of that house and running around the backyard with our basset hound.  It was a hot day--the end of summer--and when the sun set, the backyard would be filled with lightning bugs.

I was so hopeful.
And so sure that if I waited long enough, God would answer my prayers.
But, I had been taught so well about the Lord's sovereignty, and I knew that if it wasn't the Lord's plan for us to have a family the regular way, well, then...we'd be alright.  There's safety in His sovereignty.
But in the depths of my heart, I doubted that was the direction our life would take.  I felt like it would happen someday.
Someday.

Someday.

Someday.

I played the song for my husband and was surprised to see tears roll down his cheeks.



A year later we packed up and moved out of that house just days after a doctor told us it would be unlikely that we ever got pregnant "on our own."  I packed dozens of moving boxes and stuffed my shattered emotions and dreams into quiet corners, hoping to leave my broken heart behind in that house.

Dark days.
I felt swallowed by my grief.

Fortunately, the tasks of moving to another state, beginning a brand new chapter in a new place where I knew no one served to distract me....and probably helped to keep me from totally succumbing to depression.

Years passed.

We tried again with a new doctor.
Failed.

Sometimes I fought and won against my bitterness and sadness; sometimes I fought and lost.
Sometimes I refused to fight at all and just gave myself over to it, I'm ashamed to say.

And then one day we walked into a specialist's office.  The big guns.  Surely, he would have some helpful advice for us.
I'll spare you the drama of that appointment, but our hopes were completely dashed.

We drove home from St. Louis in silence, gripping one another's hands with all that we had.  We made difficult calls to our parents while our tears dripped unabated.  We knew adoption would be the next step, but it was just hard to visualize moving away from pregnancy. I thought women were supposed to have babies. I couldn't fathom this never, ever happening for me.
At the same time, I wasn't sure how to make the leap because I wanted adoption to be about the child we were adopting, not our infertility.  I never wanted our child to feel like we adopted only because we couldn't get pregnant. None of this Plan A and Plan B business.

Which is the beauty of what I believe is the Spirit's influence even over my silly song-writing.

"Baby, It's Not Time" is not about pregnancy and biological children necessarily.  I might have been thinking about that when I wrote it, but mostly I was just thinking about being a mom and having a little one to love and raise.  A lot of my songs evolve and change shape throughout their first days of existence.  But not this one. The lyrics you hear today are the lyrics I wrote in 2004. I am truly thankful that the Lord led me away from writing a song about pregnancy and biological children.  Not that that wouldn't have been a good song, but it just wasn't going to be this song. I think because it wasn't going to be my story. What I learned during that time is that no matter what the Lord had written our days to be (Psalm 139:16), He would be faithful and wise, and we could trust Him. 

In 2008, at the absolutely perfect time that only a perfectly wise God could orchestrate, we welcomed the most precious of gifts into our home and hearts:

Baby, it was time.

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The other day, after we'd listened to our CD in the car (we're really not that vain, I promise.  Isaiah really does like our songs.), we pulled into our carport, and from his booster seat in the back, Isaiah pointed to the backyard and  shouted "Look! It's ready!  The backyard is ready for bare feet and fireflies!"

[Insert huge sobbing fit of thankfulness.]

*There is so much more to say on what the Lord has taught me through infertility.  Look for that in the post for the song "You Are Good".

-glenna-

::telling the story--part 3::

Our new album "Love & Family" is ordered in such a way as to tell a story about our life together as a family.  The next several blog posts will serve as a catalyst for telling that story so that you can see what is behind each song that we wrote.  Don't forget--you can order our album here: http://williamandglennamarshall.bandcamp.com/

Part 1 found here. 
Part 2 found here.

"No Place I'd Rather Be"
(words & music by William Marshall)

I often struggle to be in the moment.  Normally when people confess this, they are referring to being distracted by something (troubles, worries, work, cell phones, you name it).  Yet, my struggle is not so much distraction as it is under-appreciation.  I have these great moments in life and I don’t realize just how great they are until afterwards.  I guess the right way to say it is that I struggle to always appreciate the moment.

Yet, in God’s kindness and grace, there are times when I do find joy in the moment.  This song is about those times.  In particular, it is about simply enjoying good moments with my wife.  I don’t want to always be looking ahead or looking behind.  I want to have those times when I am so thankful just to be with her.

A few years back we got a good snow one night in Sikeston (where it does not snow that much).  It came on kind of fast and left everything covered in white.  Glenna and I (this was before Isaiah) decided to take a walk around our neighborhood while it was still coming down.  When we got outside it was so quiet and still.  Very few cars, if any, were going down our street.  We were the first to leave tracks on the sidewalks.  It was like we stepped out of our busy lives into a Bronte novel (without all the conflict and drama, of course).  We laughed as our dog Gunther (the name of every dog according to Isaiah) struggled to keep his face out of the snow (it was not such a magical moment for him perhaps).  We walked, we felt the snow falling on us, we held hands.  It was a great time together.  And it was one of those moments where the Lord reminded me just how blessed and privileged I am.  Instead of giving me what I deserve, God has lavished His mercy on me in so many ways, one of them being my wife.

I want to be in those moments.  I want to appreciate them as I should.  I want my wife to know that there is absolutely nowhere else I would rather be.  I think this song came out of those desires.

For those interested in the recording process, I really struggled getting this song to sound like I wanted it to.  At first I simply had two acoustic guitar tracks and the vocals.  I decided to try an electric rhythm track and that changed the whole direction of the song.  It’s funny how one instrument or one track can have such an impact on a recording.  The overall sound of the song came out different than I thought it would when we first started.  Glenna wrote about how she struggled with recording, but I really enjoy it (at least for the most part).  It is another side to the creative process of music.

-William

::a little confession between songs::

We'll continue posting the thoughts behind our songs (Part 1, Part 2), but William reminded me I needed to share something with you. 

I feel a little funny saying this considering that friends and family have been so supportive of buying our album.

But here goes.
Here it is.



(I hate recording.) 


I hated recording this album.
Yes.  Yes, I did.

In fact, if it weren't for my husband forcing me encouraging me to do it, it definitely would never have happened.
I just don't have the patience for it (big surprise, right, Mom?).  I wanted to get it all in one take, every single time.  That did not happen very often.  Or ever.

I played the piano part for "You Are Good" about 47,346 times before I just threw my hands in the air and said, "I don't even care anymore! Just save that last version and call it good."  It's gratifying to know I did my best every single time and was super happy about it.  My attitude was awesome.  :-/

(this is that day--sometime during August 2011)

I had to re-record the vocals to "Only He Will Be Enough" about 2 months ago, because the recording we had came across muffled, for some reason.  I was still trying to get my voice back after having the flu, and I had been perfectly happy with the muffled vocals except for, you know--the muffled part.  It was through tears of frustration and another argument with my husband (irony, considering the song), that I painfully scratched my way through that song, one agonizing section at a time.  I was convinced that day that I would never be able to sing an entire song through without coughing and choking.  William just kept encouraging me, assuring me I would some day regain vocal control, but that we really needed to finish this song if we wanted to finish this project.  It was the promise of finishing that kept me going, I think.  Yeah.  I love recording that much.  :-/

(Fun fact: I recorded all of the vocals to that song in our guest room.)

The moral of the story is, if you have enjoyed our music even a little, you have this man to thank for it:

(Another fun fact: we had a computer crash during this project. Nightmare.  We are thankful for external hard drives!  This is our old laptop, keeping cool on an icepack to keep from overheating, which would shut it down. Every. Time.)

Your support in buying our album makes it all worth it, though.  To know some of our music has touched you even a little makes the frustrating recording sessions and the HOURS of mastering that William put in feel like it wasn't so hard.  (And let me say...William has put in probably 100 hours on this project over the past 2 years.  Seriously!)

Also satisfying: our biggest fan declares every single song his favorite.

(age 3...wow, he's grown since then.  Also wow--we've been working on this album FOREVER.)

If you haven't ordered our album, please go HERE to do so. 

If you have, thank you so much for supporting our project, which ultimately helps us fund our adoption.  We are indebted to you!   We have been overwhelmed by the generosity you have shown in paying for our album....over and beyond what we asked.  To those who have voiced such kind compliments and encouragement--we are so thankful.  Every word is treasured.  

I keep thinking about the songs I would put on our next album--there are loads to choose from--but then I remember how much I loathed enjoyed recording and I think...hmmm....let's put a pin in that.  :)

William, you demonstrated patience to the farthest degree. I can't believe this thing is finished.  It never would have even begun if not for you.  Thank you for pushing me, even when I fought it.  "It's not the movies, it's not Felipe, Baby, it's our love."   :)

-glenna-

::telling the story--part 2::

Our new album "Love & Family" is ordered in such a way as to tell a story about our life together as a family.  The next several blog posts will serve as a catalyst for telling that story so that you can see what is behind each song that we wrote.  Don't forget--you can order our album here: http://williamandglennamarshall.bandcamp.com/

Part 1 found here.

"As Real as It is Strong"
(words and music by William Marshall)

One thing that irks me a bit is the overuse of certain lines in songs about relationships (read 'love songs').  Particular genres of music (I'm looking at you, CMT) seem to struggle with this more than others, but across the board, it is common to hear lines about how far someone would walk or swim or climb to be with their significant other.  And I get it.  We use the language to symbolize how much we care.  My problem, aside from the overuse issue, is that the statements are not very realistic.  We just can't really walk that far or swim that much or climb that high.  And, even if we could, why would we ever need to actually do that?  It sounds good (and for the record I enjoy many songs that have used these tactics), but it's just not that real.

If marriage has taught me anything, it has taught me that love, true love between a man and a woman (there's my statement for the Supreme Court), is real.  It's not about thousand mile walks or ocean swims.  It's about getting up every day and loving your wife in real, practical ways.  It's about going to work and mowing the yard and trying to fix stuff (which I normally make worse).  It's about praying for her and asking for her forgiveness and trying to do better.  It's about listening and responding.  It's about learning how to love her better every day.  (Even as I write that, I am convicted about how much more I need to learn what I should probably already know.)

Trouble is, most love songs let me off the hook a little.  As long as I am willing to walk some unbelievable distance that I will never be asked to actually walk, I am fine.  I can talk a good game and never have to take a shot (had to work in my NCAA analogy, GO VOLS, at least next year).

So I wanted to write a song that celebrates the 'realness' of love.  I wanted to encourage myself to not take the easy way out, but to really work for and enjoy the every day blessings of marriage.   I may never be asked to lay down my life for my wife, but I am called to deny myself and take up my cross daily.  I am called to labor in fighting for her sanctification in the day to day battles of life.  I am called to treasure every day, every moment, as a gift.  These callings are way more difficult, and way more important and real, than climbing any mountains or swimming any seas.

-william-

::telling the story--part 1::

Our new album "Love & Family" is ordered in such a way as to tell a story about our life together as a family.  The next several blog posts will serve as a catalyst for telling that story so that you can see what is behind each song that we wrote.  Don't forget--you can order our album here: http://williamandglennamarshall.bandcamp.com/

"Only He Will Be Enough"
(words & music by Glenna Marshall)

A couple of years ago, William and I had a fight.
Well.  Maybe I should say argument because it has to be pretty serious for me to call it a fight, and I don't remember this being anything like that.

But, like all of our arguments and fights, I don't really remember what it was about.  Which makes me think--why did we waste our time arguing over it?

Anyway.

I might not remember the contents of our fight, but I do remember walking away from it thinking, "No matter what I do, I can't be everything he needs.  And he can't be everything I need. He will always fall short, no matter my expectations.  Only Christ can do and be all that."

As I often do when working something out in my head, I sat down at the piano and pieced my thoughts together into a song.

I will never be enough.  
I will never measure up.
I know all the things you need are things I cannot be.

The revelation that comes after all our disagreements is that I am selfish.  Like....incredibly selfish.  Like....I live like my husband exists to serve me.
Wow.
How ugly.

There are corners of my heart that are always selfish and dark.
They will never open up or be safe for you. 

And I would be embarrassed to share this except that I feel like this is probably true of most married folks.  Be honest.  If you were less selfish, you'd fight less with your spouse.  Right?  Can I get an "Amen"?
My selfishness shows me that I will always fall short of what my husband needs.  I can't be perfect, I can't make everything right for him, I can't be the "end all" in his life.
But you know what?  I wasn't meant to be.

But I was never meant to be enough.
I was only meant to hold you up.

Paul says this in Ephesians:
"Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." (5:22-24)

And our being together is to point to the bigger picture
Of the Church and her Redeemer
So that we can show:
Only He will be enough, only He will be enough.

My role as William's wife is to submit to him, support him, and to be a reflection of the Church's role in her relationship with Christ.   
People, marriage is intended to point to the Gospel.  And our marriages can give a multitude of messages about the Gospel, whether it's positive or negative.  I wasn't meant to be everything that William needs--only Christ can do that--but I AM called to submit to him as unto the Lord.  Our marriage together is meant to mirror the relationship between Christ and the Church.  And in all the big and small ways...to show the world the we are desperate for Jesus Christ.  
I think this is the common thread in our story throughout the entire "Love & Family" album.  We are desperate for a Savior, and that Savior is Jesus Christ.  

That said, I don't need to expect my husband to be my Savior.  He will always fall short of the trumped up, illogical expectations I have in my head.  He can never meet this delusional standard we have set up for our spouses. I think marriages fail sometimes because one spouse feels the other one has failed to be what they wanted them to be.  (And maybe both feel this way.)

You will always come up short when it comes to expectations.
You will never fill my heart like they say you should.
 
The world says your soul mate should fill your heart completely...you should find all your satisfaction in them.  Don't get me wrong.  I am totally and completely satisfied with my husband.  I could not EVER ask for a better man.  I thank the Lord daily for the gift He has given me in William as my husband.  What we have in our marriage is such a precious gift.  
But it doesn't cover up or hide our need for Christ to sanctify us.  If anything, it highlights that need.

Even though we're satisfied, well, this love we have, it does not hide 
Our desperate need to be sanctified by the love of Christ.

Paul says to William and all husbands:
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,  because we are members of his body.  'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.'  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Eph. 5:25-33)

You were never meant to be enough.
You were only meant to lead and love.

This is William's charge: to love me like Christ loves His Church and gave Himself up for her.   So even though he takes the role of Christ here (and wow, what a serious, weighty charge this is!), he isn't Christ.  He is a husband who is following Christ's orders.  And I have to brag on him here...he does a fantastic job.  He, I believe, takes this charge seriously.  He fights for my sanctifcation, even if it hurts.  He is more concerned about my holiness and my becoming like Christ than he is about me getting all my "wants" met.  He also loves the Lord way more than he loves me.  That's so backwards in our culture, but it is the thing that enables him to be the kind of husband I need him to be.  Loving and obeying Christ more helps him to love me in this selfless, giving-himself-up-for-me, Ephesians 5 kind of way.  I praise God for this gift.  Because ultimately, this is what points to Jesus' selfless, life-laying-down, Gospel love for His Church.

And our being together is to point to the bigger picture
Of the Church and her Redeemer
So that we can show:
Only He will be enough, only He will be enough.

So the purpose of this song is twofold:
1. To remind myself that William is just a man, and that I am just a woman.  Sinful, selfish sinners who are striving to love and submit like Christ and the Church.  We were never meant to be perfection for each other. Only Christ meets the standard.  He is the standard.  But we all fall short. Extend grace to one another in your marriages.  As often as you extend it, you will also need it. 
2. Our marriages are intended to say something about the Gospel.  Who you are as husband and wife says something about Christ and His Bride.  Don't think your marriage is just about you. 


BUT.
One last thing.
The beautiful by-product of being married for the purpose of the Gospel?
Married love that can be beautiful and refining.  It's a blessing that God included us in His plan.  He sure didn't have to.  

And this does not nullify that I love you more than my life.
We are blessed because we get to play a part of a beautiful mystery, 
Beautiful mystery. 


William Marshall, you are the sweetest of gifts to me.  I'm sorry we argued, but I'm thankful the Lord uses our feeble attempts for His glory and for our good.  He is faithful and good in His gifts to us.
I love you more than my life.

-glenna-

::Love & Family:: CD FOR SALE

After TWO YEARS of work (we're a little slow), our CD is finally FOR SALE!

We wrote and recorded 12 songs about our marriage, our longing for children, the Lord's goodness to us, and the blessing of the adoption of our son.

The sale of this CD will help fund our adoptions.

Please visit our BandCamp page to order.
Digital Downloads are $12.
Compact Discs (with a digital download) are $15.

We will also accept donations above the listed price as this is a fundraising endeavor.

We hope you enjoy our music!
 We are happy to share this part of our life with you.


Special thanks to those who donated their time and talents to this project:
*Brandon Blankenship (lead guitar, mandolin, banjo)
*Lacy Bennet (cello)
*Josh Govier (bass)
*Brett Gibson (recording assistance)
*Lauren Athalia (photography, cover art, graphic design)

::while we wait::

It's hard to believe that a year ago we were mailing our dossier.  A year ago!
Having no knowledge of how many people were ahead of us in the Ethiopia (ET) program with our agency, I naively thought we would have a referral sometime during 2012.

With each passing month and with each email update from our agency, the hopes in a 2012 referral shrunk...and then shriveled up and died.  Things had come nearly to a screeching halt in regard to referrals.  Only one or two have gone out each month for the past few months.  I also realized we were nearly at the bottom of the list. Unless something changes with the ET government's processing of referrals, I have pretty much despaired of a 2013 referral at this point. 

It is hard not to be frustrated by this process. I read posts like this one--and I know she is speaking truth.  Rooms full of children in cribs.  No perception of hope, no reason to hold to it--does it even exist?  They don't know there are families (not enough, though) longing to give them love, home, permanence. 
So I get really frustrated that slow-moving bureaucracy has begun to move at an even slower pace.  Part of me just wants to know--how hard is it match up these waiting children with waiting families?  I mean, I know it's not an easy process.  I get that it's a forest's worth of paperwork for each child/family, but seriously.  Children are just wasting their days in orphanages, not knowing that anything could ever be different.  We're over here twiddling our thumbs and reading statistics that make our stomachs churn at the sheer volume of children in distress and poverty and hunger.

But I have to weigh all of this against the fact that God is sovereign.  He doesn't waste anything.  Not a drop of suffering, not a minute of waiting.  As John Piper said once, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life.  You might be aware of three of those things." 
I can't see the big picture.  I can't see the tapestry of goodness He is weaving in many lives.  But I know it's there. 

So, we wait.  On foreign entities, on a an ever-changing process that isn't an exact science, on the list to move.
And we wait on a dependable, faithful God whose timing is perfect. 

In the meantime, however, our life is busy and full.  We had to update a slew of paperwork in December/January.  Knowing that we have to redo it all again this year is a bit frustrating, but oh well.  That's just the nature of this process.  We will willingly jump through all the hoops they tell us to jump through if it will get us to Ethiopia.

While we wait, we have a few big things going on.  We are already in preparation mode for our 2nd Annual Mother's Day 5K walk/run and 10K run.  We are hoping to raise money for a couple of local families who are adopting.  We, along with another adopting family at church, were the beneficiaries of this race last year, so we are excited to extend the funds that are raised to other families in our area who are seeking to bring children home.  May 11th is the day of this race.

We're also really excited that we are *almost* ready to release a CD!  William and I wrote and recorded 12 songs that will soon be available to the public.  My husband has worked hours and hours and hours mixing and mastering.  We are NOT professionals, but we're pleased with our homespun project.  :)  I'm a little nervous about putting my music out there for the world (all ten of you!) to hear....it's kind of like opening my journal and letting you have a look at my private thoughts.  But, my husband has long believed that I have something to say with my music, and he has worked hard to put it in your hands.

Our album has been sent for copyrighting and reproduction.  Our first 300 copies should come back to us soon, and then we can start selling them.  They will be available for ordering or downloading (or both if you prefer a download plus a hard copy).  Be prepared for a LOT of blog posts upcoming as we promote our music.  The proceeds of this album will, Lord willing, fund our travel costs to Ethiopia (two trips) whenever we are finally matched with a child(ren).

There are a lot of things I want to say about our music...this album is a walk through our ten years of marriage, our infertility, our learning to trust the Lord's wisdom and sovereignty, the adoption of our son, and the things we have been blessed with through Love & Family, which is the title of the album.   In addition to making people aware of the CD, I am looking forward to blogging about a few of the songs individually so that you can know the stories behind the songs.  Maybe I can twist William's arm and you'll see a post or two from him about some of his songs. :)

If you have a blog and are interested in helping us promote our CD, we would be so grateful.  Just let me know.  :)

I'll leave you with a picture of Isaiah.  He is currently loving swimming lessons and Handy Manny.  He is full of energy and keeps us on our toes constantly.  I am having a hard time believing that he will be FIVE in June and starting kindergarten this fall.  What in the WORLD.  Why didn't somebody tell me his childhood would fly by so quickly???  (Actually, I'm pretty sure this is the most-given word of advice I have received as a mom: Enjoy it. It goes by quickly.  Why am I not heeding this??)

I could kill my brother for buying this for my son for Christmas.  Did he know when he bought it that it doesn't fit through the door!!?  His baby is due in a couple of weeks.  Just wait until I start spoiling my nephew with insanely large gifts that don't fit in anyone's house. :)

::end of the year update::

This Christmas didn't turn out like we planned.  Isaiah was diagnosed with the flu while we were out of town visiting my in-laws for Christmas.  He was one sick little boy, and he and I spent most of the time at my in-laws on the couch.  He ran a fever pretty solidly for three days and was so sick with chest congestion.  He also had laryngitis, which is very interesting (and kind of sad!) on a chatty 4 year old! 
I have to confess there was a helpless moment where I was standing in a Wal-Mart pharmacy waiting on Isaiah's tamiflu, searching for something a 4 year old can take for congestion (hint: there is nothing), and I called my mom to tell her what was going on.  Knowing how sick Isaiah was, knowing how I had put off and put off taking him to get a flu shot,  realizing this would mean we'd have to cancel our Christmas plans...well, I stood in the Nyquil aisle with a humidifier in my arms and burst into tears. Two other women looking at cold medicine kindly stepped away.  (Or ran away from the crazy lady.)  My mom wisely advised me to not stress about what our next plans would or would not be until I'd had some sleep.  We would just do what we had to do and postpone...even until January or February, if necessary.

In the end, I also came down with the flu, and I was so sick with fever on Christmas Eve morning that I wasn't sure I was going to live through that day!  :)  Needless to say, we canceled all our plans and stayed home for Christmas.  We are postponing with both my family and the rest of William's.
We did "do" Christmas with my in-laws while we were there, but it was not nearly as fun with such a sick little boy. 

 He was perfectly silent the whole time.  I tell ya--laryngitis on a kid this chatty is WEIRD.

Once we were home and feeling a bit better, we skyped with my family so we could, in a way, "be" with them while they opened gifts.

Our gifts!  Wish I could grab them through the screen!

 We let Isaiah open his gifts from us while skyping so the family could watch. 

 He got his first big boy Bible, and boy was he proud.  :)

[please no comments about the ugly couch.  we are fully aware of its ugliness.]

 Still a little peaked from the flu.

 Even though we didn't get to see our families this week, we felt VERY loved on by our church family.  On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, several families dropped off food for us--our fridge was packed!  We felt truly blessed to be remembered in the midst of all their celebrations with their families. 
One friend told me that she prayed the Lord would give us one bright spot in staying home this week, even though we were sad to miss our families.  Waking up to a winter wonderland on the 26th definitely counts as an answered prayer!

If we'd traveled, we would have missed it.  And we would have missed this excited face!  :) So, we're counting our blessings that we're (mostly) well and we got to enjoy a beautiful snow. 

Since I've been at home all week, I've gone a little stir-crazy.  I undecorated the house this morning, which is about 150 times less fun that decorating.  I also did my best to sanitize and clean the flu out of our house, so hopefully our home is no longer a germy breeding ground for influenza. 

So....yeah, not the holiday we expected, and truthfully...not one I really care to repeat.  Caring for a sick child and then being pretty sick myself did not leave much time (or clear-headedness) for dwelling on the Incarnation like I usually do.  We did finish out our Advent traditions which include a calendar, candles, and an Advent reading each night.

But, I have to confess that one night during our reading of Jotham's Journey, a certain little fellow could be found in my lap snoring away while Jotham was running for his life. :) 
We'll remember this Christmas though...and we'll be thankful for all the "normal" holidays we have in the future.  

Some of you may be wondering about our adoption plans....that kind of deserves an update all its own, so that's what you'll see next on the blog.  
Until then...Happy New Year!  :)